Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen
by ArchangelUK
Summary: PenPen's covert strike team begin their mission to strike NERV HQ, however brave they are even they have to fear the ride there in the blue thunderbolt that is Misato Katsuragi's Renault...
1. Ep 1: A Fish Called Asuka

**Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen  
By ArchangelUK**

Welcome to this Evangelion serial of short episodic type shenanigans. I do not own Evangelion or PenPen despite the fact many Eva converts now apparently want a Penguin off of me for Christmas. Oh dear....

**Ep 0: Dead Herrings**

Far away from Tokyo-3 and in a bedroom somewhere in the UK that should really be cleaned up by now, a tired twenty-one year old student sat at his computer rubbing the encrusted sleep out of his bloodshot eyes. On the screen was an html document that he had hoped not to have to touch again, stroking his Kaji-esque stubble for a second he was about to launch into his work when a 'ding-dong' noise alerted him to the fact that _he _was calling. Twisting around in his leather chair, a replacement for the third-hand red cotton one that got destroyed at the beginning of another story of his the student pressed a large red button concealed in his armpit and a big television screen emerged from somewhere under his beltline.

Flickering into life a penguin appeared on the screen, the writer spoke. "Yes Pen-Pen, what can I do for you?"

"It's Wark Wars." The penguin said matter-of-factly, "You haven't updated it in ages!"

ArchangelUK sighed sadly, "It's fanfictiondotnet. They've had one of their annual hissy fits and decided that all stories like Wark Wars that use a script like system are illegal and it and their authors must be burned at the stake." He waived a hand dismissively, "Or something to that effect."

"So? Get on and rewrite it!"

"I am!" AAUK growled, "Haven't you noticed every time you do something it magically appears on this page?"

"What?" Pen-Pen blinked.

"YOU SEE! You blinked and it appeared on the page as 'PenPen blinked', thus I shall finish my explanation." The author explained, then looked at the beginning of this line. "Mmm, nice - if slightly predictable."

"Will it take a long time to rewrite this story then?" PenPen asked, his tone betraying his impatience.

"Well, I can't exactly write episode nine until I redo all these so yes I'm afraid so."

PenPen pouted, a feat in itself. "Very well I'll leave you be, but you get the first one out quick you hear?"

AAUK bowed sarcastically, "Yes my master."

_"_One of these days ArchangelUK! _One of these days!"_

_And so it all begins... again._

**Ep 1: A Fish Called Asuka (v2.0)**

Deep in the frozen caverns of a metal fridge a battle of wits unlike any other is taking place, in the red corner... despite the fact it was actually green was Pen Pen, alias Pen-Pen, aka PenPen, alias Pen2, alias Pen2, alias Julie (only on weekends). In the blue corner (also green) was his archenemy, the dreaded scourge of all self respecting penguin kind - his nemesis.

It was the Mr Hyde to his Dr Jekyll.

The Moriarty to his Sherlock Holmes.

The Gendo Ikari to his Sailor Moon.

Okay so the last one he made up, and besides Sailor Moon was much more terrifying.

His neferious foe had foiled his plans every single day of his existence; this one would be unlike the others though. Mainly because PenPen would succeed where he'd previously failed - he would open the bloody sardine can.

A can of beer? No problem, the retractable claws in his flippers would be able to either punch through the top or flip up the tab to push into the can top. But could PenPen get his rubbery flippers to be able to twist the key and open a can of his beloved small fish? Hell no.

Observing the can in the glimmering fluorescent light of his fridge and the second hand lava lamp he had bought on E-Bay using Misato's credit card when she wasn't looking. Our hero strokes his chin, which by the laws of Penguin anatomy meant stroking the bottom half of his beak.

"So, you still refuse to co-operate..." PenPen sneered, his new metal toecapped boots - also from the popular internet site - clicked against the fridge floor as he paced

"...." Was the reply from the sardine can.

"Your silence only serves to prove you know the answer!"

PenPen turned his lava lamp to face the sardine can so it was 'blinded' by the light, he began to half waddle half pace up and down. PenPen put on his 'interrogation' hat, a short yet wide brimmed black investigators hat and put on his best German accent.

"Ve have vayz of making you talk." PenPen slathered, penguin spittle peppering the sardine can's face then folded his flippers to give himself an arrogant yet confident appearance infront of the prisoner. "Ve know you have family along ze eastern seaboard, should you refuse to co-operate I vill place a phone call to ze nearest shipping fleet and direct them to ze appropriate co-ordinates."

PenPen threw a piece of paper with the relevant global position in front of the can which took absolutely no notice of the beaked one.

"ANSWER ZE QUESTIONS!" PenPen backhanded (flippered?) the can off the small table and it skidded to a halt by the door. He sighed and waddled over, picked it up and thought for a moment before screaming a war cry and began punching and kicking the top.

"OPEN UP! Come on, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!"

Unyielding the can stood (or rather leant) firm, PenPen began to sob. He was so hungry, if he could only do this he'd be entirely self-sufficient and wouldn't have to rely on Shinji to make him breakfast. He would be able to eat when he wanted, unhindered and free from the presence of a first beer driven Misato squatting on a table eating a slice of toast with no hands. He shuddered and opened his door.

Shinji smiled at him, a warm smile that made him feel slightly better. "Hey PenPen."

"Hey PenPen come 'ere!" Misato patted the space next to her. She was drunk.

Again.

PenPen declined the offer, giving the reply (in Pengish naturally) "No, I'd sooner go and call Asuka an uptight ginger nutcase and proceed to regurgitate food in her shoe."

PenPen thought this was a good idea, brought out his diary and scribbled it down for 1:00 AM Thursday evening. Misato of course did not understand this, all she heard was 'Wark' and she somehow managed to miss him bringing out the diary.

"Ah go on." Misato slurred.

"Wark." Was the negative reply.

"Ah go on." Misato began to crawl on her hands and knees towards where she thought PenPen was, managing instead to stalk a cushion that had fallen on the floor.

"Wark."

"Ah go on."

"WARK!"  
  
" I think he's busy just now Misato." Shinji's voice rang out from the kitchen and PenPen breathed a sigh of relief.

_Praise be for Shinji Ikari_, PenPen thought then waddled into the kitchen just as the boy was tackled by Misato who now thought he was PenPen. Shinji yelped as Misato squeezed the dickens out of him then proceeded to try and force beer into his "slightly off colour" beak.

PenPen glowered at his fridge and the bounty that lay within, _I will find a way to open you sardine can, I promise you. I will not fail this time - yet I've tried everything in the house. There must be some way of opening this?_

Then it struck him.

Asuka.

No, it wasn't the fact he hadn't tried anything in Asuka's room, he already had, you see he wasn't looking where he was going and was literally struck when Asuka walked out of the bathroom and tripped over the penguin.

"Wark!"

"Ahh!" Asuka shrieked, landing hard on her backside and momentarily losing her towel.

"Oww."

"Schiess!" Asuka scrambled for the renegade cotton towel to cover her modesty, ironic seeming as she actually had so very little modesty.

Shinji struggling in the next room with the blotto Misato cried out, "Hey are you okay in there Asuka?"

"Of course i'm not you IDIOT!" Shinji wasn't in much better shape, now Misato had a vice like grip around his neck and was tickling him under the chin.

"Do you need any help?" The unasked question being 'please would you help ME'.

"I don't the help of a stooge like you!"

Shinji used all his very little strength to keep Misato from skewering his nose with a ring tab. "Are you sure, I could come in there and-"

"-NO!" Asuka flushed slightly, readjusted her towel and glared at PenPen.

"Stupid bird. Why don't you look where you're... Shinji?"

"Yeah?" Came a falsetto reply, what was happening now you really don't want to know.

Asuka looked PenPen up and down and blinked hard, "Shinji, why is PenPen wearing a hat?"

"He's what?"

"Wearing a hat." She frowned, "And metal toe-capped boots."

PenPen's eyes grew wide in panic, "Uh-oh."

Shinji despite his own problems snorted, "Yeah right... You're just kidding me aren't you?"

"I wish I was."

PenPen turned around a thumped a flippery fist into his other open flipper. "Curses, they found out about my hat. Oh no bother, I might as well ask her as she's here." He turned back and looked up at the redhead. "Hey Asuka, do you have any idea how I might be able to open up a sardine can?"

Asuka scowled, "Stop flapping your wings at me you stupid penguin, I need to get dressed."

"I asked you a question!"

"WHAT?!"

"I need something to open this can!"

Asuka growled at him, "Oh, wark wark wark yourself!"

"WHAT? My mother was a saint!" PenPen launched himself at Asuka and started to viciously peck her ankle.

**_"Aggghhhhh! I'm under attack!"_**

In the kitchen Shinji now in a headlock from Misato tried to move towards the cry, "Asuka?"

Misato tightened her grip, "Now PennyPen Pen Pen shh." She put a finger over Shinji's mouth clumsily. "Your mishing the soup opera."

"Soup opera?"

"I said ssssssssssssssssh!"

Asuka screamed, "Ah! PenPen's attacking me!"

"Bitch take it back!" PenPen pecked relentlessly.

"OW!"

"Bad PenPen... baaaaad." Misato chastised, drooled over Shinji and hits him in the side of the head.

"OW!" Shinji echoed Asuka.

After another minute or so struggling PenPen was booted into the living room by the foot of an enraged Asuka who had to be held back by a bruised and mentally scarred Shinji. The penguin bounced off the sofa, slid along the table knocking bottles over and scooted off into the open door of his fridgesque home.

PenPen (upside down) rubbed his beak, "Damn it, the sardine can wait. I've got a new task for tomorrow; Asuka Langley Sohryu will learn to understand my insults. I will create a device that will allow them to understand me! Mwah ha ha!"

Our hero gets out his personal architects sloping desk, puts on an artists visor and begins to draw out his plans for his invention - the Universal Penguin Translator!  
  
_**TBC**_

* * *

_Will PenPen succeed? Find out in the next episode of Wark Wars!_

_****__ArchangelUK 0:o)  
_ Sponsored (In no way at all) By Fanfiction. net - "Free your mind? _Unleash the hounds!_"_****__****__  
_


	2. Ep 2: Lord of the Flies

**Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen  
By ArchangelUK**

_Welcome back to the Evangelion serial that will have you rolling in the aisles, or sleeping with the fishes... your choice. (nods towards Section 2 personel)_

**Ep 2: Lord of The Flies (Version 2.0)**

Deep in the deep dark recesses of his sub-zero rebel base, the leader of the Rebel Alliance examined the surveillance footage from a number of his hidden cameras. His troops were rough and ready - okay so they weren't his troops and they certainly weren't ready, Shinji was half-dressed, Asuka was half-asleep and Misato was half-cut. Swivelling in his big leather chair, something that he liked to do as often as possible, the swarve and debonair leader closed his eyes in thought. For a moment he said nothing before announcing to the control room a simple command - "Wark."

Of course this wasn't specifically true, the control room was a subsection of his fridge apartment although the cameras were real enough and so was the imagery. Misato's bare backside sticking out of the bed covers with a slice of old pizza stuck to it was a sight to behold. Neither was it true that he was the leader of the Rebel Alliance; PenPen was the leader of a can of sardines, two small growths of water cress he was cultivating, eighteen cans of beer, a photo of Hikari Horaki he'd pinched from Kensuke's yearbook, a copy of 'NERV Who's Who?' and two flies named Luke and Leia. Okay, so there had been a Star Wars movie marathon on the other night and he'd got lost in the roll play so what?

The mission was not yet satisfied.

"I'd best get on with this machine then." PenPen sighed and put his Hungry Hungry Hippos board game away until another day.

The mission was to invent something to allow him to open the can of sardines, he paused, realised that was the mission before the last episode of this story and brought out the blueprints for his UPT, Universal Penguin Translator. PenPen placed the half-concieved 'Death Cod' battle station in his 'pending' tray and scratched his head with a flipper.

A buzzing noise entered his ear, followed almost by the source itself as he turned his head rapidly causing Luke the fly to rapidly ascend to avoid collision. "What's the problem boss?" He buzzed.

"Ah, just the usual Luke. Where am I going to find the components necessary for a bi-Tachyon conductive tri-synchronated plasma cyclonic drive frame in a flat in Tokyo-3?"

Luke made to answer then realised he didn't understand anything that was just said, his sister Leia appeared from around the corner and looped around the back of PenPen's head before landing on his beak causing him to go cross-eyed while he looked at her. At least they thought she was his sister, both hatched into maggots from the same long forgotten ramen box whether their mother/father was the same who knows...

"Can't you just nick all the parts from the microwave like you did last time?" Leia asked, rubbing one of her legs over her eyes.

"No." PenPen sighed, "Misato-chan is on her third microwave this month already..."

Luke blinked, impressive for a fly with no eyelids, "But, it's only the 2nd of the month today."

"My point exactly, even someone whose blood level is 20 proof wouldn't fail to spot a slight irregularity there."

"Misato's blood level is only 20 proof?"

"I overheard Ritsuko saying she'd had it tested once."

"Ah I see."

"Ah wassat then fly-boy?" Asked Jimmy, oh, hang on he hasn't been introduced yet - There was also Jimmy. Jimmy was a spider with only seven legs, an inferiority complex and thought he was Scottish...

"You kanna hoot dawn the sporran tickler ya know."

He was also thick as Misato's gravy.

PenPen looked at Jimmy with a sense of pity. "Shut up."

"Well, you could try and sneak into NERV, I'm sure they've got lots of hi tech kit there." Buzzed Leia.

"Hmmm..." Said Luke dubiously.

"Hmmm..." Said a doubtful PenPen.

"Hmmm..." Said an unconvinced Jimmy.

PenPen suddenly brightened, reached over and pressed a button labelled 'snap fingers' on his sound effects board and announced; "I've got it! I could sneak into NERV! I'm sure they've got lots of hi tech stuff there."

"Cool idea." Luke agreed, "Nice plan boss."

"HEY!" Leia buzzed angily, "That was my idea!"

PenPen shook his head, "No it wasn't."

"Yes it WAS!"

"Prove it."

"Ya kanna do thaht cause ya ney canna prove nowt."

"Yeah, what he said!" Nodded Luke.

"Men!" Fumed the fly and flew off to munch on some dirt, leaving 'the boys' to finish with the details.

PenPen checked his wrist, "Okay, let's synchronise watches."

"Watch what?" Luke asked, having been ensconsed by an episode of Power Rangers that'd appeared on TV.

The penguin sighed, "Your watch, synchronise it and may the power protect you - Cause I flipping well won't." He added.

Luke frowned as only a fly could frown, "I don't have a watch."

Jimmy nodded as only a spider could... well... you get the drift. "Me neither."

PenPen threw his flippers up in the air in disgust, "What kind of troops are you?!" He yelled, (before catching the flippers and putting them back with his snorkal.)

Jimmy stroked his chin with a spare leg, "At eh guess a speeeeeder an' a fly an' watches haven't neh been invented for wee ones like us."

"Fine, fine, fine. Use the big clock in the lounge you stupid Jock. We meet here at Oh Oh WHOA OH!"

"00 What?"

" Damn it, Jimmy I told you to move that cactus _OUTSIDE_!"

"Ack boss, I'm a hooose spider not ah removal spider."

"Look, just meet here half an hour before Misato goes to work okay?" PenPen growled menacingly.

Exiting his abode stroke operations centre stroke lair, PenPen waddled off in search of nourishment. Shinji was in the kitchen, as usual, and was busy frying up some rice. Turning around from the pan the Third Child smiled and gestured with a wooden spoon over to a waiting dish full to the brim with rice, meat chunks and fish stock. PenPen looked up in wonder, there were times when he simply couldn't comprehend how a boy claiming to be so misunderstood could understand other people so well.

"Wark?" PenPen asked, meaning as we all know 'What's this?' in Pengish.

"Tuna." Shinji said absently, turning back to his bowl.

"W-Wark?" (Fish stock?)

"Yup."

"Warrrrk? War-wark!" (Really? Hey thanks Shinji!)

"No problem." Shinji waved a spatula lazily in a mid-air circle while adjusting the temperature on the cooker. "Just eat it before Asuka wakes up."

"Mmm, war-wark?" Meaning 'Mmm, still angry?'

Shinji snorted, "Yeah, so eat up PenPen."

PenPen eagarly began eating away merrily, that was until he suddenly stopped mid bite, the boy could understand him!

_This causes many problems, what if Shinji leaked the plans out to my adversaries... Admittedly I have no adversaries as such, I somehow doubt a sardine can's ability to conduct guerrilla combat in field conditions constitutes an enemy. However there is Asuka-oni._

Shinji seemed to sense something was up, "You enjoying that PenPen?"

"Hmm? Oh yes wonderful, five warks out of wark."

Shinji smiled, "Good."

PenPen waddled out of earshot and scratched his head, against the table. _Stupid limited motion limbs!_ He cursed mentally, having an itch if you were a penguin was a problem as was - _Asuka-oni_... _Asuka-oni_..._would rip the data out and have him screaming like a girl before you could say 'bratwurst'. Shinji must be stopped!_

PenPen rubbed his flippers together and cackled menacingly.

Shinji blinked and looked up from his task. "What was that cackling noise? _Whaaa!_"

The last thing Shinji saw as he was jumped by PenPen was the titicular bird brandishing the soup ladel whose wallop around the head half a second later was sufficient for the Third Child to slump to the ground unconscious.

**_Some Time Later_**

Shinji is tied to a chair and has his mouth covered by tape.

"Mmmph...!" Shinji said, shaking his head free of cowebs and an angry scottish spider.

PenPen zipped up his rucksack and strapped a torch onto his belt. "I'm sorry about this Shinji my boy, really I am, but you may reveal my plans to Asuka and that would be disastrous."

"...?"

"I'll be back to release you as soon as I've acquired the parts necessary for my invention, I know I only sound like 'Wark Wark Wark' to you but subconsciously you have gained the ability to understand the sacred Pengish language."

"MMMM! MUUURRRRMMMPH!"

PenPen winced, "Now there's no need to be rude. It's not like your father is anything to go by either."

Jimmy scampered up beside him. "Ack boss wass wit taiyin up the Ikari boy the noo?"

"He is a threat to the operation." PenPen explained, pocketing a sardine for later only to find he actually had no pockets.

Luke frowned, "Just let him go PenPen, what if Asuka gets hungry and come looking for him demanding sustenance?"

Double P smirked, "She won't, I slipped a sleeping pill into her bag of strawberry liquerish shoelaces."

Luke and Jimmy grinned stupidly. "Ah, cunning as a fox." Leia said sarcastically as she flew in a loop-de-loop.  
  
"Silence puffin-spawn!" PenPen yelled, making the fly squeak in fright. "We must go, Misato-chan is getting her things together." He brought out a balaclava and then pulled it over his head and beak. "Operation: Stickleback is go!"

**_Dramatic Musical Sting_**

There was silence, ice ages came and then went. Planets formed and died. Suns glowed brightly before being snuffed out. A tumbleweed tried to gain enterance to the apartment but found the door was locked: annoyed it hailed a taxi and went back to the wild west.

"Operation Stickleback?" Luke broke the silence, his boss shifting uncomfortably from webbed-foot to webbed-foot.

Leia blinked, "Was that the best you could come up with?"

"What's wrong with it?"

Luke cleared his little fly throat, "Well for a start there are no Sticklebacks in this country. Second, it's an incredibly lame name."

PenPen gave a dejected sigh and got out his pocket edition of the Collins Bumper Book of Fish. "Octopus?"

"Not a fish."

PenPen looked at his book and pursed his beaky lips together. "Prawn?"

"Operation _Prawn_?" Luke looked mortified.

"Kinda lacks bite." Said Jimmy.

"Tiger prawn?" PenPen offered hopefully.

Leia rolled her eyes, "Not like that."

"King prawn?"

"No prawns!" The others chorused.

Um, haddock?"

"No."

"Sardine?" Even Shinji shook his head at this. "Oh look I give up, whatever word I stop on in this dictionary here shall be operations code name. Say stop Leia." PenPen flicked through the book with surprising speed.

"Stop!"

"Okay, the operation will be called.... drumroll please someone?"

Shinji obliged with his feet after Jimmy, Luke and Leia pointed out they're relative size ratios to PenPen.

"Operation.... operation."

"What?" Jimmy slurred, PenPen rubbed his eyes.

"Operation: Operation."

"Oh well done Leia you managed to get the one word in the entire language that's makes prawn sound feasible." Luke sneered.

PenPen threw the dictionary away. "Ah, sod it. I'll call it... Operation: Crimson Herring!"

**_Dramatic Musical Sting_**

_**TBC**_

* * *

**_What is the truth behind Operation: Crimson Herring? Will Shinji survive or be tortured beyond the limits of human endurance? Will I think of an excuse to get Asuka and Rei back into those swimming costumes of theirs? Stay tuned to find out! Please Review!_**

_****__ArchangelUK 0:o)  
_Sponsored (In no way at all) By - "Unleash your imagination and free your soul... soul currently experiencing overload, please try again in five minutes."


	3. Ep 3: Heaven is a Turn Pike

**Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen  
By ArchangelUK**

_It's the story of all stories, the tale of tales, the penguin of penguins and I don't own him or any Neon Genesis Evangelion characters. _

**Ep 3: Heaven Is A Turn-Pike (Version 2.0)**

It is night time, a long winding road near the centre of Tokyo-3 - the world's most advanced city, so advanced the cats eyes on the roads could actually communicate with each other in Morse code.

"So, Dave." A second set of cats eyes also called Dave blinked to another, "You asked out Sharon yet?"

Dave didn't answer immediately, for Dave was known to have a rather loose tongue when it came to personal details. Between you me and the gatepost, Dave was a right gossiper and it was Dave who started the untrue rumour about Dave and _Dave_ of all people. Dave blinked a cautious 'no'; "Not just yet."

"Pity."

"Why."

"Dave was thinking of asking her out."

"What? _Dave_ Dave?"

"No.... Dave!"

"Which Dave is that?"

"Y'know.... Dave!"

"Oh... Dave?"

"Yah ha."

"Just why the hell are all the male cats eyes called Dave?"

"Dunno... ask Dave."

The two (dozen) Daves are briefly illuminated in artificial yellow before a flash of blue zipped along past them, followed by an nerve jangling screech from the tyres as such a silly thing as a junction appeared in the road. The smell of annihilated, as opposed to burned, rubber fills the air. Is it illegal street racing? Is it Formula One gone 2015 style, and if not style perhaps it's so cool as to be referred to as _stylee_? No, it is none of these things.

Misato Katsuragi is off to work.

**_"Oh when the working day is done, girls just wanna have fu-un. That's all they really waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnt!"_**

And singing.

Or something equivalent to that.

Meanwhile, as in at that exact moment in time the hero/zero/evil's fear-o off our piece the diabolical but always smartly attired PenPen hides in the back of the car with his crack team. Team in that there's more than one of them and cracked as in they all were for the most part.

"Not, that song... anything but that song." PenPen whimpered, desperately trying to cover his ears with his flippers and then bemoaning his penguin lack of dexterity. Jimmy the spider clicked two of his legs together along to Misato's warbling and nodded knowingly.

"Ack it's not that bad man."

PenPen blinked, "Well, for a start, one: it's out of tune."

Luke who as a fly could hardly be considered the best judge of popular music either buzzed in disagreement, "Well, come on it's not that bad."

PenPen looked at Luke in disbelief, "It sounds like someone's strangling a cat." He said bluntly.

"Or perhaps the final death rattle of a helium filled weather balloon." Leia buzzed in agreement, eliciting a high pitched growl from her 'brother' Luke.

"Number two:" PenPen continued, "It's inaccurate - her day is just beginning."

"Yah bein' a mite pernickety about this aren't ya?" Jimmy grumbled.

"In the world of karaoke there is plenty of reasons to be pernickety." PenPen sneered, "And that's a big word for you, you usually can only manage 'cabbage', 'osprey' and 'Vauxhall conference'."

"It's that language tape the Devil's been playing at night." Luke explained, "Kute Kanji for Beginners."

The bird of destiny raised an eyebrow, but as it was nowhere in sight PenPen didn't react to this. "Three: She's nearly thirty; she can hardly be called a girl."

Leia gave an astonished-cum-insulted gasp, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder you know!"

"Which brings me speedily to point four." Replied PenPen, "When she does those high notes her face looks like a pot bellied pig choking on a pinapple."

Luke rubbed what passes for a flies chin with one of his legs, "Hmm, interesting imagery..."

He was cut off as the car cornered sharply, throwing the occupants of the rear into the left hand side.

"Oooof!"

Before it corners again throwing them back the other way.

"Owwww...."

"She's driving under the influence of alcohol!" Leia shrieked, clinging desperately onto a discarded air freshener that had long since lost its freshness.

Luke nodded, "Yebisu to be precise."

PenPen shrugged, "Your point being?"

Leia looked at PenPen as if he were insane, which lets face it was a distinct possibility. Drawing herself up to her full one centimetre height she looked PenPen straight in the toe and bellowed: "SHE'S DRINK DRIVING!"

PP paled, "Yeah, we should be grateful she's not sober."

"Why's that?" Jimmy asked,

"She's worse and drives even faster."

In a moment of sheer craziness a small super deformed Rei appeared out of the toolbox in the corner of the bootscreen, it winked coquettishly then after a brief dance routine which involved a spanner and some rather... suggestive moves it held up an obligatory sign saying 'Don't Drink And Drive'.

Jimmy blinked and pointed at the Rei, which blew him a kiss. "Wassat?"

The car suddenly braked, the resulting motion throwing the S.D.R through the rear windscreen which only goes to prove that a) you should always wear a seatbelt and b) you can indeed do seventy miles per hour in reverse gear if you so want. After a moments pause, an upside down PenPen was able to detach himself from the toolbox he flew into, now sans-SD.Rei.

"I think I bent my beak."

Jimmy groaned from somewhere to PenPen's left, his distinct Scottish twang emanated from a discarded paper cup. "Am I deed?"

"Deed?"

"He means dead." Lei groaned between buzzes, or should that be buzzed between groans? Whatever.

Jimmy regained (all seven of) his feet, "Ack I eeeem deed! It's da tunnel of leeght!"

"Tunnel of light?"

"Hey weighta minute, if this eh heaven wherah's the wee tarantula girls in the skimpy outfits?" Cue sweat drop central.

Luke spoke first, "Did he say tara-"

" -yes." PenPen interrupted, "Yes he did."

"Where's tha girls then?" Jimmy insisted exiting the 'tunnel of light' back in to regular daylight.

PenPen sighed, "I'm sorry Jimmy the Spider, but this is hell. It must be for me to be landed with your own unique brand of incompetence."

"Jimmy: What!?"

"Yes, I'm afraid you broke the sacred eleventh commandment."

"I didn't know about neh eleventh one! Ah kept the spider web holy, ah didn't covert mah neighbours fly.... what was it?"

"Thou shalt not be a Scottish twonk!" The diabolical penguin backflippered Jimmy away.

"Yah mean, we're alive?" Leia, Luke and PenPen nodded.

"And we're not deed?"

Leia closed her eyes and prayed it'd all just go away, "Alive being the opposite of dead, yes."

Jimmy paused for a few seconds before screaming, "WE'RE ALIVE! Praise be the all seeing spider!"

Leia scoffed, Luke shrugged, "Well it does have a lot of eyes."

"What's wrong with you?" Leia demanded, "We could have died thanks to that irresponsible cow!"

**_"I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky.... I should be so lucky in LURVE!"_**

"You're forgetting of course that she doesn't know we're in the back here..." PenPen pointed out, but this time Luke was the one that scoffed.

"And of course she'd drive differently if she did right."

"... I hate you sometimes Luke."

_Buzz_

Misato meanwhile was having a whale of a time, she had already succeeded in splashing 5 pedestrians by driving through puddles and knocking some rickshaw guy into the middle of next week. Pleased with her progress and mentally keeping score she pushed a new tape into player. "Hmm, hmm, hmm..... 70MPH limit? Oh come on!"

PenPen and the others hold on to anything they can as the car accelerates rapidly

Leia screamed and hung onto her brother, "That's it we're finished!"

Luke meanwhile sumed up the situation nicely: _Buzz Wail Buzz _

**_"IT's a small world AAAAAAAAAAAAAAfter all.... IT'S a SMALL WORLD AAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAAAAafter all...."_**

PenPen howled and tried to bung up his ears with bits of the air freshener he was tearing off with rabid intensity. "Nooooooo!!!!!! Good God not like this! If I'm going out I don't want to do it listening to that awful song."

"Ack, I like that song..." Jimmy said, snapping his fingers... er... legs to the beat.

"How far away is NERV?" Yelled Leia above the roar of a riled up Renault engine, PenPen looked at his Mickey Mouse Armani watch.

"About 5 minutes from the apartment. We should be there by now really."

"How do we tell?"

"Well the car will suddenly-"

-there is a screech of brakes, throwing the four stowaways forward once more.

"-brake." PenPen finished rubbing his now very sore beak. "Then will start to descend slowly by the lift."

"Ack!" Jimmy exclaimed, "There's a slight feeling of a discindin'."

PenPen blinked.

"Discindin'! Kanna ya speak N'glish?"

Leia looked over Luke's shoulder. "Actually, we're speaking Japanese - it just so happens to be written as English."

Luke looked puzzled, "Leia, who are you talking to?"

"The fourth wall." She buzzed.

"N'glish! N'GLISH!" Jimmy insisted,

"What exactly did he say just then?"

"I think he meant 'descending'." There was a whirring noise, and an air of floating washed over the group.

Luke smiled in contentment, "I feel as though I'm floating in the air."

"You're a fly." PenPen said flatly, "You fly. You're blooming doing it right now."

"Oh yeah."

**_"Hey girls... hey boys.... someone's got a DJ.... HERE WE GO!"_**

"I'm beginning to worry about her taste in music." Admitted PenPen, "Okay people listen up, we're going in to get the parts from storage locker six six seven dash four four one beta. There we will, covertly and not arousing any attention, break in locate the parts assemble the device and then exfiltrate. Okay?"

"Okay boss."

"Roger."

"His name isn't roger."

"It's what you say though."

"Well it isn't accurate."

"It's tradition."

"When referring to someone called Roger maybe."

Leia growled at her brother, "Why are you such a pain in the arse?"

Luke shrugged, "Maybe it's because I-"

"Shut it..."

"But-"

"-Just cram it Luke."

"B-But-"

"-Talk to the wing, the antenna ain't listening."

"Have you two finished?" PenPen said tapping his foot.

"I have more, but if you insist." Luke replied.

PenPen pulled on balaclava (again), "Okay, we wait for five minutes after stopping before we initiate stage 2 infiltration."

**_"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huuuuurts."_**

"It's gonna be a long five minutes...." PenPen groaned.

**_TBC_**

* * *

_What is in storage locker 667-441B? Will Operation: Crimson Herring succeed or will the motley crew be captured by the all seeing, all knowing, all glaring, all tap dancing Gendo? Will that last part be revealed to be a total fib or is the Commander really the ghost of Michael Flatley? Find out in the ongoing Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen! Please Review!_

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